It wasn’t until a much older age that I began to see the difference among the people around me. And in high school race, or our differences weren’t given much attention. We all liked school, and lived together, there was little acknowledgment of race. It wasn’t until recently, being at UCI, did I really start to feel the “differences” or division of races. And it really makes me sick at times. I rarely look at the person’s race as a factor that contributes to their personality, I usually look at their actions and body language, but clearly that’s not what everyone else does. Nothing terrible racists has happened to me here, I’ve heard of instances, but nothing directly. There’s the occasional side comments that people say about your race and stereotypes, and usually I sit there quiet, when really it bugs me. I have experienced this before, but it kind of became disguised. I’m not sure if this just UCI, or the real world.Is this going to be some part of the real world that I just have to accept? Am I naive to believe that we can really look at people see they as they are, without any preconceptions due to race or gender? Is this one of those things where I don’t acknowledge the truth and chose to live in a bubble of my own, where I can just be me, and be seen just as me. It’s easy for me to stay in this bubble, but sadly, not many others fit into that world. And often they break through, and reality comes breaking in. And there’s nothing I can do, but be totally thrown off by the fact that I’m living in a false, too hopeful world that doesn’t exist.
I am mostly surrounded my Hispanics, and that really doesn’t bother me because I only see my friends. But often times I wonder if it were reversed would it just be the same for them. And honestly, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be. So are they really my friends? Sometimes I really feel like my life coulda been a bit different, maybe better in a way if I never went to CAMP. I can’t help but wonder that. I can’t help but ask myself, would they be my friends if they weren’t forced to by CSSA? Again, I really can’t say that they would be. Most of them just don’t get it in so many ways. They are not in the same circumstances as me, and that has nothing to do with race. Money. Distance. I never go home. And I really feel like CAMP was not the connections to make to have the friends that I was hoping to have. I wanted close friends, that I would have forever, that I wouldn’t have to question the realness of it. There are so many aspects that separate us. I’m the outcast in so many ways. I usually spend a lot of time uncomfortable. Where they are proud of their cultures. But somehow being “black” whatever that may be has gotten lost in the wind. Where having dark skin, being “black” is degrading or bad somehow. But if I open my mouth, thats being race sensitive, or uptight or whatever word you would like yo use.
Overall, I sit quiet, uncomfortably quiet. Am I conforming? Losing myself and doing things I really usually wouldn’t. Conforming, when I said I’d always be me. Settling? For what I’ve been giving, rather than chasing after more. This all has really altered my hopeful outlook. Is this college? Or is this the real world? Either way, I can’t live in this world.