Sometimes i don’t wanna wake up alone
But sometimes i wanna wake up and be on my own
Sometimes i don’t want to walk by and smile
But at the same time i don’t wanna let people down
Can you imagine, weight of a world
Placed on your shoulders, trapt in this world
And no one can reach you, ooo
So no one can help you, now
Its gettin’ heavy i think im bout’ ready to breakdown
Im standin’ up, but im fallin’ down
Time keeps on tickin’ i wish there was a way to slow it down
Some one pick me up, cause im fallin’ down
“…we werent rich, but we knew that some people were and that they seemed to laugh a lot more often. I dont laugh all that often anymore. Most of my nights are a jumble of emails, and poems like this. The ones I have to fishhook from my gutt, the most honest parts of me are the ones that i spend the most time retreating from. I’m not sure when we fogot that we were giants. When i stoped thinking that the sunrise was just the world entire dream from the night before that God mixed together into sky paint. I still imagine things like that you know? I’ve just forgotten that they are worth saying out loud. We are so much more than the desk jobs and childhood fears we chain ourselves to. believe me there an opera in your chest right now. Its melody is the key to your ribs that you have been looking for, for all of this time. so sign like a vow like its the theme song to the best day of your life.”—Joshua Bennettt
Since I’ve came to college I have realized an incredible amount of things. Mostly, it has been an ongoing struggle to not lose the aspects of myself that make me who I am. I’ve been fighting to keep to who I am and succeed, but often it seems to be a losing effort. And this struggle is enthralled within every aspect of my life, not just the relationships or a personality battle. It is almost like I have to sacrifice myself to be happy or keep myself and suffer. Not both. There’s only the lesser of two evils option, neither of which would suffice. So I struggle with just conforming or settling: two things I despise. I love the things that I have learned via academia and just through my individual experience, I see myself challenged beyond measure, my world turned around, and melding into someone that I know I’ll be really proud of, but sometimes it’s a true curse in itself. My life as a whole has also become so segmented. I often get so sad, because of the segmentation and feeling so ostracized. Even though, I’ve made continuous efforts to find my place, and remain fully content. I still don’t see it. There’s so many things and people in my past that I cherish greatly I hold them with me everywhere, but when I am enthralled in my “old world” I realize how much I have out grown that area, and how I don’t fit there either. It tears me up to see what I’m in an essence leaving behind. It’s sad and hard because I do see the growth in myself which makes me happy, but it has also withdrawn me even more from the places of my past that I hardly fit into before. And the even worst part is, I can’t share this struggle or so much of what I think with the friends of my old life, because I know they just can’t relate. They won’t understand and they may get upset. It’s really not their fault at all, I hold no anger or anything towards them, only sadness that I fear of losing them from my life because of this. I understand that they too have so much going on, they really don’t have time for me anyway so I try to just remain their friend. It just gets so hard, to silently struggle, and doubt everything my life is built upon. It’s one the most monumental changes in my life. I think that’s one of the most painful things, that I can’t share so much of my life with them anymore, and they are still a major part of my life. It’s like I can only share my old life with them, which is still so much of me, but it’s not everything. I can’t share this struggle or so many things with them which causes me to feel so distant, and like I just don’t fit. Even when I have tried, I can hardly even articulate the information to them.
And at my school, I really don’t talk to anyone at all. If I do it’s caviler, casual conversation. Often times, I feel like its all a fallacy. I haven’t found it. I love so many of my friends here, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just not on a deep level, and if it were I know that I couldn’t relate to anyone I know. At times, I almost just feel like what’s the point of ever talking to anyone here because I don’t see what its going to do since there’s no quality. And if I open my mouth for them not to understand, possible make it worse it will only strain the relationship. I have joined every kind or club, taken vastly different classes, searching for people like me; still no luck. So I’ll just do what I have to do, keep it simple. But then in doing so, am I settling again? There are qualities and aspects within myself that just don’t go with everyone here. If I want to have a place, I must abandon that part of myself in order to have a “home” per say. But as much as I thirst to feel accepted, I am even more so attached to myself, and those aspects. I don’t understand how or why it is like this. And not matter which sector of my life I am in- old or new, I don’t feel that I am accepted as me. Not just a certain part of me, but the WHOLE thing. Old, new, good, bad, happy, sad, fun, or boring. That’s a major problem too. I can’t just split up who I am like that also. It’s not like when you go the grocery store and chose apples: I want this one and not that, and this one. There’s one. Entire Kelcie. I can’t abandon a portion and move on happily and satisfied with my life. But I cannot just stay like this either. Just waiting for the next phase of life. I don’t want to walk around like that. Constantly thinking to myself, in a year we won’t talk and I’ll never see you again so why should I speak to you now? Asking, what’s the point of acting like this matters when it doesn’t? It makes me sad for those around me. Before, I viewed everything and everyone as a chance to grow and display how much I care for people: that’s Kelcie, that’s me. A part to a whole, but a major aspect of who I am. That’s the person I’m struggling to keep. I refuse to wake up one day and realize that along the way I let myself be burned the false pretenses and bitterness of life’s struggles and angry people. I want to come out whole. Not in pieces. This is an extremely lonely place, and I’m not taking advantage of this time of my life by being here either. I really hunger for all sectors of my life to have someone and somewhere, where I know that all of this matters, genuinely. My silent struggle and mostly my well-being truly matters to someone out there. And they may not understand, but that they accept the ENTIRE Kelcie. That they’ll say it’s all going to be ok, and that they’ll be there for moral support. Then I can freely be me, be the optimistic, happy person I am, with the proper and strong support. A quality life, with quality people Above all else, I realize too that this just might not be possible ever. I was born with these convictions and this skin to lead this life. So, I guess I’m force to just accept it.
Mom: there was an in home invasion at this ladies place in our apartment complex
(some more conversing)…
Me: were they black, mom?
Mom: they were wearing masks. So, idk , yeah, they were all really black
I’ve come to the conclusion that people are inherently selfish. If not then, then they have given up being the exception and tired of being used. That’s the point I’m at. I’m over giving everything my best and trying to spread myself so thin only to be made to feel bad by the people I love most as they say I don’t care. Composure, consideration, stable, nice all things I try to be. But all these pressures people have on me are make me bitter and angry. And the older i get, the more that I feel like no one understands.
“I fear being like everyone I hate, I fear failure, I fear losing control. I love balancing between chaos and control with everything I do. I always have a fear of going one way or another, getting lost in something, or losing everything to get lost in. And I fear being a completely acceptable sheep in society.”—Marilyn Monroe